Cathy's Story Chapter Two: Questions

 

CHAPTER 2:  Questions

The doctor finally came into the delivery room, after about an hour of waiting.  Stacy, Andrew and I were intent on hearing every syllable that came out of his mouth.  We watched intently as he talked directly to the new mother. 

He said, “She is doing good but needed a little help to get oxygen into her lungs.  This may just be temporary and is actually common with premature babies.  Their lungs develop last.  You will see lots of wires when you go in to see her, but don’t let that scare you, we have to monitor her vital signs at all times.  She has a cPap that helps her get oxygen into her weak lungs and she is well enough that she does not need an incubator, although the temperature is controlled in her bed to keep her warm.”

It will be important that you hold her for the first time, skin to skin.  Babies need that touch.

He told us that she weighed 5 pounds, 1 ounce and was 15.5 inches long. 

My grandmother eyes enlarged with that statistic.  Both of my sister’s babies were over nine pounds and my other sister’s boy was 24 inches long. I had remembered from 30 years earlier.  Size of a baby is important and memorable.

I said, “Isn’t that too short for a baby?”  but he assured me that was normal for a premature baby.  

Stacy said, “Mom, look at us.”  She was right, both of the parents were between 5’2” and 5’4”. 

So, the doctor left the room saying to give them just about 15 more minutes, then walk down the hall to the NICU to meet our new family member. 

The three of us, were totally silent and just stared as the doctor and nurse left the room.  Then we began to look to each other for what to do next.  Not much longer to wait, but what would we see when we finally did get to meet her?

When Stacy’s Dad and I decided to adopt a child, there were similar questions.  There was even more preparation before the baby arrived at our home.

 There is an application process and a caseworker comes to your house for a home study.  You have to fill out all types of financial forms to be sure you are able to afford a child. Then there is a wait until a match is found and once that is done, there is a wait before you can actually hold the baby in your arms.

So much waiting.  If nothing else it teaches you patience. Not only is the clock ticking slowly during the wait times, but the mind of the adoptive mother, particularly, is in over drive.  Thoughts come and go too quickly sometimes.  Questions wind like an ever increasing ball of string through her brain during each waiting phase. 

I have often wondered why there is so much paperwork to adopt a baby when parents who get pregnant through biological means do not have to go through any of that. 

This vision often comes to me where it is a beautiful moonlit night and there are a number of cars parked facing the moon on “Lover’s Lane”. 

Just as the windows start to steam up with passion of the occupants, a proper lady dressed in a navy blue coat with white gloves and glasses, approaches the side window of the car.  She is carrying a clipboard and knocks on the window.  Then she asks the occupants to fill out the proper papers prior to intercourse. 

Now, that’s a job I would not want to have!

Questions for the adoptive parent circle wildly through their brains.  What happens if we are not approved?  Maybe we don’t make enough money.  Did I use the right words to explain our living situation.  Is my husband’s temper going to be a problem? Maybe my house isn’t clean enough. 

Will the child be local?  Will the parents be taller?  Will she/he have blue eyes?  Why can’t we adopt a child of color?  What if the child develops a tic?

What if the mother changes her mind?  Why do we have to wait 4 months once the baby is placed with us?  What if there are medical issues after the placement?  Should we be open with the adoption and keep the birthmother in contact?  Should we make sure that we maintain the child’s privacy until they can determine if they want to contact the parents?

When do we tell our child they are adopted?

All these are appropriate questions and heart wrenching ones at the same time.  You think hormones rage during pregnancy?  Questions rage during the adoption process.

My first husband and I were thankfully advised, when we started the process, to talk with parents who had adopted children.  Find out if adopted kids were different from birthed kids.  So, a family opened their home to us as we visited them for a couple hours one evening.  They were from an adoption support group that we attended and knew what we were going through. 

We learned that adopted kids are just the same as homemade kids.  I will forever be grateful to that family for inviting us into their home and for being so open and honest about adoption.  The kids were simply wonderful.  They had a little girl, about 6 or 7, dressed in a night gown, as it was bedtime, with her long hair tied back in a ribbon.  They also had a towhead little boy, bigger than the girl but younger, who was playing with toy cars and also getting ready for bed.  They did not look at all like they were adopted and they called their parents Mommy and Daddy.  They even spoke English.

From our experience with that family and with our adoption group, we decided to always let our child know that adoption was normal.  Even before they could talk, we would say, “I’m so happy that God sent you to me and we were able to adopt you.” It is important that the child grow to know how grateful parents are for the opportunity to be their Mom and Dad. 

Adoption is a very natural way to have a child and it is up to the adoptive parent to let the child know that from the beginning.  Let them know that they are special right from the get-go.  But, caution - not too special.

During our adoption support group meetings, One Dad told us a true story about a day when neighborhood children were playing in the yard next door.  He was watching through the kitchen window and all of a sudden one of the little boys started to cry and run home. 

There was a mixed group of kids, some adopted and some not.  When the Dad questioned the other parent about what happened, the boy’s Dad said that he ran in the house saying, “I want to be adopted too.”  It seems that the adopted kids were exclaiming how special they were because their parents “chose” to have them and they didn’t just show up at birth.

The homemade kid ran home crying that he wanted to be special like the adopted kids and he wanted to be chosen too.   I say, don’t go too overboard with the special thing.

Prior to receiving your adopted kid, questions are normal and constant.  Afterall, the unknown is very scary to anyone. 

When you think about it, the questions of potential adoptive parents are not unlike that of going through a natural pregnancy, you just may have a longer period of wondering. 

Will it be a boy or a girl?  Will they have curly or straight hair?  What color will their eyes be?  Will they have all their toes and fingers?  All the questions that a parent can concoct in their minds.

When you adopt a baby, you have the same chance that there will be underlying conditions.  The same chance that you have when you are the biological parent.  You are not in control of your growing child during pregnancy, although you can eat all the right foods and exercise the proper amount and not put things into your body, like caffeine and alcohol.  You are not in control of that baby being formed. 

 Jeremiah 1:5

• New International Version

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

If you truly want a child and know that adoption is your number one means to that end, do not let worry about what might happen keep you from adopting a child.  However, do have a healthy respect for what you are getting in to. 

Children are so dependent on parents and there is never any time when you can give them back.  After all, birthing a child means that you have to keep that child too.  No way to send it back.

Adoption means that you become their parent in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer and as an adoptive mother, you will always share that child with another woman, whether the name is known or unknown.  Respect that and you have all but won the battle of emotions. 

It took me a while to come to terms with that fact.  In my mind, any child I gave birth to would be perfect.  He/she would have curly hair just like my husband and he would be a towhead just like I was.  I wanted a boy.  His name was Matthew Daniel.  My dream child never became reality, but I had to grieve him, just the same, when we found out we were infertile.

There is a lot of psychology that goes into adopting a child, raising a child and simply being a parent.  Having lived through both an agency adoption and a private adoption, the thought process is very similar.  

First you may have to come to terms with the fact that you will never be able to give birth, if one partner is sterile and IVF is not a choice financially.

If you already have homemade kids (every child is biologically made so I do not like that term “biological child”) then you have to come to terms with the fact that there should be no difference among the children adopted and those made at home.

Do this before you ever decide to adopt.  Realize that adoption is not a “second rate” way of bringing a child home.  Adoption is your number one way to bring a child into your life.

After about 15 minutes, Stacy and Andrew walked slowly out the delivery room door, with me following close behind.  We didn't talk but put our shoulders back, took many deep breaths and trudged to the NICU to meet our new baby.