November 23, 2021 -- My Real Faith Seeds - a day of discussion with God.
Over the past couple of months I've learned that people closest to me have been concerned about my mental health and wellbeing. So, I talked with my doctor and told him that it is difficult, at times for me to care about even the smallest things like taking care of my daily shower or preparing something for me to eat. I told him that my daughter, my husband and my pastor have expressed a concern that I should see someone to "help" me with extreme worry.
From this expression of need, my doctor referred me to a therapist. Her name was Ashley. I talked with her for about 3 months 4 different occasions and I learned a lot about myself.
1. I realized that I was holding on to a lifetime of questions about why and God. It boiled down to my wonder why God would allow 11 years of suffering for myself, Dan and our girls while they grew up. Why didn't He take Dan the night of his accident, August 23, 1989? I learned that the questions I had for God were actually an anger because, had Dan passed away on that night, he would have still had life insurance. As it was, he sold his life insurance policy about 2 weeks before he died. In addition to financially, it would have saved more than 11 years of pain and heartache for all of us, if Dan had passed that night. THAT IS NOT TO SAY that I wanted him to die. But since it was in God's plan, I'm just saying, it would have been easier and I could have moved on sooner. As it was, there was much heartache and many mistakes on my part.
2. I needed to talk with my Pastor as I had stood before a congregation on multiple occasions to express how much Jesus means to me and how "With Jesus, life is full", and yet, I had questions about the validity of those statements and the emptiness that I was personally trying to fill.
3. Ashley discharged me after 3 months and I agreed that I had some break throughs from talking with her and carrying out the things that she suggested. I felt a bit lighter. However, I still have work to do on the management of my worry. She said that she could see that I have a huge heart and all the things that I did were not done with malice. She said that I had to hold others responsible for their part in the difficulties. I should not shoulder all of that burden since it was not all my fault. She said to try and "laugh" at the extreme thoughts of worry and realize that they come from a place of past trauma. I heard her tell me that I need to deal with NOW and not hold on to the hurts and regrets of the past. I also heard (now I have to believe it) that I need to look at the larger picture of people and events during my life and realize that they had a part in it all and that I am NOT responsible for all the hurts that I've experienced through life.
4. Today, as I read the introduction to the book, A Case for Faith, I realized that I did need to talk to a third party (Ashley and my pastor) to blow away the fog of "why" and clarify the mental picture of exactly who and what was responsible for the pain and trauma. I was not totally to blame.
5. My desire in life is for SELF - PEACE.
I'm anxious to read a portion of this book, A CASE FOR FAITH, each morning so that I can pursue The Real Cathy and find that SELF - PEACE in my own Faith.
Even in the reading silently, my mind races to how can I share this book with others. That is not my job. I need to focus on my self - peace. I am not responsible for the whole world.
When I put the book down for the morning, I went to a heartfelt prayer and a discussion with God. I let Him know that I believe it HAS been doubt in my Faith that I was dealing with, but that I wouldn't admit it. I kept speaking the words to others, but doubted my Faith in real time.
I thanked God for revealing this book to me from a storage place that was out of the way. Only through His nudging, did I see it this morning. I purchased it many years ago, but it is very relevant and useful for me at this moment in time.
I remember praying for myself and that big heart that has been spit on, taken advantage of, lied to and broken in many ways. That heart - My heart - that was a victim of unspeakable hurt and lies. My heart was vulnerable and a huge target for people to hurt as those others were also hurting people and trying to find someone to blame for their problems. i.e. Dan, Bob B, Bob C, etc.
I prayed for myself and for my ability to see clearly all the trauma that I've experienced and how it was a big picture and not my fault in total. I am not the Savior of the World, but I must lean on the one who is. I felt the PEACE from that dream, long ago, and realize that dream represented Dan's Heaven and that is what I want to feel again. Someday, I will have that peace. I'll have my room in Heaven and that PEACE that passes all understanding will surround me, just as it did in my dream. For today, I will strive to forgive my past inadequacies as I forgive others who have trampled on my heart.
I BELIEVE IN GOD - I HAVE FAITH IN ALMIGHTY GOD THE FATHER, HIS SON JESUS CHRIST AND IN THE HOLY SPIRIT.
SO MAY IT EVER BE
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